Monday, December 19th, 2011
To: All Staff
Date: Today
Subject: New Twelve Days of Christmas Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, as well as, about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Current streamlining policy is a direct result of the North Pole’s loss of dominance in the season’s gift distribution business – Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions such as gas and solid waste, for which the North Pole had been
receiving unfavorable press in recent years.
We’re pleased to tell you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. After all, tradition is very important at the North Pole! Therefore, in a continuing effort to rise to the challenges facing the global marketplace, management is pleased to announce the following cost-cutting measures in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” music division, effective immediately:
1. The Partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. These positions are therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact, since they imply a cultural European connection.
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they have talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for investors. Diversification into other precious metals appears to be more desirable.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which we can no longer afford. The production rate of one egg per goose per day is certainly a prime example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade by personnel in the selection process will ensure that every goose henceforth acquired will produce at a much higher capacity.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Since their function is primarily decorative, mechanical swans have been ordered, and the current swans are being retrained, thus enhancing their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment people. An equal gender balance in the workplace is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mentoring, a-mending or a-mulching instead.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten other unemployed individuals at a lower per-diem rate While leaping ability may be somewhat compromised, the savings will be significant.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting far too big. The Board has suggested they be replaced with a string quartet. As an additional cost-saving measure, they will not be issued new uniforms, nor can they expect new sheet music, thus ensuring savings which will drop right to the bottom line.
Studies, although incomplete, have indicated that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can effect a turnaround in one day, service levels will be improved greatly.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request that management scrutinize the Snow White Division, to see if seven dwarfs are actually required.
We will be closed Next week however we will all be back in the New Year with hearts and hands ready to serve and help you make 2012 your best year yet! Merry Christmas and an absobloodylutely incredible New Year to everyone!
Drs. Daniel & Richelle Knowles, D.C. and Team NFWC
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